Yesterday was my POINT OF NO RETURN

Yeah I was really really proud of myself yesterday... I broke my boundaries aka my so isolated from the danger, comfort zone... Yeah.. I added my name to be one of the guy in charge of leading a bunch of kids, not literally I mean because most of the are bigger than me, to went through a hell of a jungle... Why did I do it in the first place?? Really if I choose to be or not to be that guy right now, I still prefer not to be.. What's I called a hell of a jungle is really a hell of wild slippy track covered with splattering mud and not to mention all the gaps where their end can't be seen from above. The reason is probably I want to break my boundary so bad that I now really to obsessed even if it could bring harm to me.. It sounds fool and lunatic to let something dangerous slipped by in order to achieve something (which is not really that valuable in this case).. I know but yeah God please I really really now place my life in your hands and plans.. If it's not align with your plan, please give sign!!! Because i risk my own life in my camp leading this Saturday.

Yesterday before I knew what the track was like, I was really really pumped up... It was really good time for me to prove myself that I could be the action guy.. Not just the guy playing behind the screen and embrace himself in the books for the rest of his life... There were really someone in particular I really want to impress by this suicidal tracking. I just wanted to see the other side of myself.. Now or never I think.. and then, after arriving there, I was distracted by the good view from the place, because it's really high place and gave good view for my city from above..

Then track began... First yeah it's just climbing a couple of wide stairs (i love nothing but stairs right now, see why).. Then it all turned into nightmare for the rest of the track., Nothing neither slippery nor steady was there to climb or going down the track.. I'm so FUCKING DEAD I think.. and thanks God it was not raining because I could probably slipped and killed myself yesterday it it was...

I'm invisible ;'(

Lately, I've been feeling so alone... I've been feeling so left out... but I even won't admit it.. that's pride what keeps me lying to myself may be.. Pride whatsoever.. I'm feeling so invisible.. like there's a thick barriers between me and society blocking my own existence.. it's always there.. even when I'm risking myself getting out of my comfort zone, it always keeps me backing off right off the bat.. That sucks really..

I describe myself like an open book... My face tells everything whether I feel uneasy, mad, happy, guilty, or sad.. I feel most comfortable when I'm by myself alone I admit it.. I am not a person who couldn't spend a night without companies... that's why when someone steps into the inner of my comfort zone and I'm feeling threatened, my face tells everything... like EVERYTHING I mean it literally.. I'm shutting down and i don't talk.. that's why people get difficulties and choose not to hang out with me... Because may the problem is myself... I'm kinda a person that radiating an unwelcome aura if that even exists...

I spent all my holiday time playing video games..WHY.. my mother asked me all the time.. It wastes time I know it already.. I have my own reason.. That's when I'm feeling most secure I think.. I play the hero.. Everybody likes the hero.. The hero can lead, talk, bring everything united and after all, they are cool whatsoever.. That's what I want to be but that's clearly impossible I know.. To be sure, If I am given a choice whether to live my live or to live as a video game character, I will choose the latter... Hahaha silly me talking such nonsense.. But that's what I'm feeling right now.. Deep down I am human too... Every human needs time to communicate w/ others.. I couldn't deny it.. I'm trying.

My day will be over tomorrow..

Not tomorrow actually.. In fact, just 4 hours or so.. Yeah tomorrow is 27th of September 2011... IT'S MY F*ckin BIRTHDAY.. I never care anything about birthday.. I just keep forgetting everyone's.. even my brother's and sometimes my parents'.. Actually I never remember those stuffs because I just too lazy noticing what date is today, etc..
And why do I hate my own birthday.. I Have my own reasons to hate it.. I hate getting old.. Tomorrow I'll be officially 18.. Yeah not to old.. I'm in my second year in college.. But you'll get this kind of felling if you're stuck in the body of junior high which is around 14.. Yeah I know I'm too little for my age.. When I told strangers I'm already in college, they're just like "you're kidding me right. You're just like my brother in junior high.. Do you skip class??" everyone always responds like that.. I hate it in my own way even though some people are dying trying to make people think they're still young.. If I kept getting old, then it would be harder for everyone to believe that I'm so much older than i look,
And what else I hate about my own birthday. earlier i wrote that I hate to be told I'm still in junior high.. But some parts of me keep telling me that I would be grateful if I were. Getting old means you have to get your responsibility, getting a job, having family. I just feel I'm still not ready.. In fact, I don't know when I'm ready to take on my responsibilities.
I still have some reasons.. I will get pinned and dressed like a fool.. That's what my friends told me this morning.. Yeah i know it always turns like that. Last year they tied me so hard and hijacked my car and threw me off to the pool.. TWICE in fact because I was also thrown off to the different pool that night.. I'm just to excited what would they plan for tomorrow morning.
But what make me glad is I'll get iPad 2 for my birthday present from my lovely parents.. That's perfect.. hahaha.. can't wait to take my own iPad.. Enough writing.  I still have to read some books for tomorrow morning test.. Even test still goes on tomorrow on my special day...

i don't know what He is up to??

i know already my way is not the straight one... Yeah even up to now, I still don't get it where will he lead me to?? I know that's there's always good ending for everyone who still faithfully pursuing the path.. Always He can lead you through the rocky mountain, sunken desert, stormy ocean, spiky bushes, and so on.. And there's where I am in the moment. It looks like it's hopeless to pursue your dream anymore... To be a doctor is what I always want to be since I was a kid.. I went to popular top high school, worked out every muscle to study hard, having like 3-4 hours a day to sleep when other kids have probably 8, and stilllllllll now I succumb to study here.. The teacher is always telling us to search everything ourselves.. I don't know if there's anything i got after the lab, especially the anatomy pathology..
Wanna study abroad.. I heard that the medicine school in the WEST is so high-tech.. But it takes a lot of money.. I don't want to burden my parents more.. SO may be there's no right for me to dream to study there.. or can I???

exam OMG

Now i know what thing i hate most in my life.. even I hate it more than : 1. waiting at the car wash : oh it sucks to wait 2 hours or so and then the next morning it's all already wet cause of the STUPID rain, 2. waiting the traffic in front of my college  3. all the other waiting activities : yeah the former thing i hate the most is waiting and especially if i get nothing after the long wait..
Nah back to the topic,,, NOW I KNOW WHAT THING I HATE THE MOST IN MY LIFE.. thats the  stupid moron exams that i have to pass once in a month... Surely there's no rest after the exam... they come relentlessly, torturing you ONCE IN A MONTH physically and mentally... That's why it SUCKS... and tomorrow I have another stupid tests to pass but I have been lazying around this month and I don't care anymore.. What I want the most is free holiday (like 2-3 months laying on the beach get a sunburned WITHOUT TASKS TO COMPLETE THE DAY AFTER HOLIDAY)...

invinsible... untouchable...

i don't know if any of you ever feel this kinda feeling... when you feel that anyone around you does already know that you are around but still somehow manage to ignore you completely... It's like you ARE invisible to anyone... untouchable... yeah that's nothing good to be ignored.. that's why i write this... Lately I often feel this kind of feeling... it's like you're still feeling lonely despite you are surrounded by all your friends... No one care about you when it's THE moment you think you need the caring so much... you could think that this way I am being selfish... I want other people attention and don't give any so none cares for me... No that's not it.. I don't want anybody's attention.. I don't want fame and popularity.. I just don't want to be IGNORED...

I'm doomed...

OMG... I don't know what God has prepared for me for this week... I think I spent my time studying for the exam.. But What the Hell.. I have a feeling I have failed today's exam and have to repeat the exam again next week..  The exam is not that hard... It just what they are asking is different with what I have been studying.. It just so awful to come to think about the exam again... I'm so nervous and cause so many unnecessary  mistakes.. How stupid I am.. Even writing how stupid I was this morning can't bring some change to the result test... OMG... I'm so scared if they are finally putting the result of the exam this Saturday. I think the best way to overcome it is to suicide the day before it is posted.. Hahaha... Just kidding... But I hope if there was still miracle in my pitiful life.. I just hope that the miracle just bump into the test result and make me not have to repeat the exam again.. I'm praying with my deepest heart.. Please God make a miracle for the test result..